Because the hate can't be contained on this blog, I've started podcasting.
I've known one of my best friends, Lizzy, since we were like 7 years old. We hated each other, then adored each other, and now I think she's just kind of indifferent. But we teamed up to start something that we're calling "The Perfect Squares".
Go listen. Now. Then come back and tell me what you hate about it!
CLICK ME!
Showing posts with label sarcasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sarcasm. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Postcards
I want to be perfectly clear about this: postcards ruin vacations.
No one likes them, even if you thought you did, and here's why...
Say you're planning a big vacation. You'll be gone for awhile and decide you should send a reminder to those friends and family at home who obviously weren't cool enough to get invited, but you want them to know that despite this you still like them. There you are, honorably making a list of names and addresses. You make a mental note to also find your passport.
Days later, you're in sunny ____________ (or if you have absolutely no sense of traveling when the season is good, you're in jesuschristthatbugwashugeandthatwasmylastumbrella _____________). After a tour of something touristy you thought was important to see but really was a huge waste of time, you get dumped into the gift shop. Great opportunity to shake off the disappointment and pick up some postcards.
"I'll write a note on each of them and address them tonight at the hotel!" you say to yourself smugly. What a great friend/daughter/brother-in-law you are. WRONG. You'll definitely be too tired that night. Writing gets put off but it still looms over you, a slight damper on the remaining days of your trip.
Maybe you are a better person than I am and you diligently sat down and spent time telling your loved ones interesting tidbits about your travels. I can tell you're feeling smug again. Now you are faced with the problem of finding stamps.
In this hypothetical situation, you're in a foreign country and it's your first time visiting. So clearly you are unfamiliar with the postal service and have to figure out where to buy stamps, how many you need, and where the post office or post box is. All this is happening while you could be doing way more awesome things like enjoying your trip.
If you're like me, and because I don't know you I have to assume you are, then you return home with a bunch of postcards (some of them already written or half addressed) that you didn't have time to mail or were too incompetent/lazy to figure out how to mail. Maybe you can just send them from home and hope that no one notices where it was mailed from? Obviously that would make you a terrible person, and even you would judge yourself, so you don't do that.
You are now left with a stack of postcards that remind you of your secret shame every time you open that junk drawer you keep meaning to clean out.
This may be semi-autobiographical and I possibly use postcards that were meant for friends and family to decorate the walls of my office. I might be a bad friend/daughter/brother-in-law.
I hate postcards.
No one likes them, even if you thought you did, and here's why...
Say you're planning a big vacation. You'll be gone for awhile and decide you should send a reminder to those friends and family at home who obviously weren't cool enough to get invited, but you want them to know that despite this you still like them. There you are, honorably making a list of names and addresses. You make a mental note to also find your passport.
Days later, you're in sunny ____________ (or if you have absolutely no sense of traveling when the season is good, you're in jesuschristthatbugwashugeandthatwasmylastumbrella _____________). After a tour of something touristy you thought was important to see but really was a huge waste of time, you get dumped into the gift shop. Great opportunity to shake off the disappointment and pick up some postcards.
"I'll write a note on each of them and address them tonight at the hotel!" you say to yourself smugly. What a great friend/daughter/brother-in-law you are. WRONG. You'll definitely be too tired that night. Writing gets put off but it still looms over you, a slight damper on the remaining days of your trip.
Maybe you are a better person than I am and you diligently sat down and spent time telling your loved ones interesting tidbits about your travels. I can tell you're feeling smug again. Now you are faced with the problem of finding stamps.
In this hypothetical situation, you're in a foreign country and it's your first time visiting. So clearly you are unfamiliar with the postal service and have to figure out where to buy stamps, how many you need, and where the post office or post box is. All this is happening while you could be doing way more awesome things like enjoying your trip.
If you're like me, and because I don't know you I have to assume you are, then you return home with a bunch of postcards (some of them already written or half addressed) that you didn't have time to mail or were too incompetent/lazy to figure out how to mail. Maybe you can just send them from home and hope that no one notices where it was mailed from? Obviously that would make you a terrible person, and even you would judge yourself, so you don't do that.
You are now left with a stack of postcards that remind you of your secret shame every time you open that junk drawer you keep meaning to clean out.
This may be semi-autobiographical and I possibly use postcards that were meant for friends and family to decorate the walls of my office. I might be a bad friend/daughter/brother-in-law.
I hate postcards.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Spell Check.
I LOVE when people misspell the word "Definitely".
This isn't some kind of grammar god post (which now that I think about it, I should probably start using spell check). Just so we're clear. In any case, I love when people spell the word "definitely" wrong. They almost ALWAYS spell it as "defiantly". It's amazing. When I read something that has spelled definitely as defiantly, I feel compelled to read the sentence out loud with its new meaning.
"Are you going to the party?"
"Oh I am defiantly going!"
Wow. That bitch is super renegade. What a rebel. I imagine she burned the other person in the face with a cigarette after she said that.
It's amazing because if you google search the word defiantly, the first thing that comes up is "Do you mean 'definitely'?" When I don't mean definitely, I think, "Jesus fuck Google! Stay out of my business. This is what you get with big government." Then I go to a Tea Party Rally.
Here's another website that pops up when you search defiantly. Seems like someone has even more anger then I do. Why go to all that trouble creating and maintaining a website for a misspelled word that makes situations completely hilarious!?
"He replied that he defiantly liked the ideas behind community and the feeling of belonging that comes with it."
That guy is the next Che Guevara. Speaking of which, College Freshman, keep that poster out of your dorm room. You haven't even lived yet.... your skin is too soft. Go out in the world and get some calluses damnit!
Moving on.
Anyway, really terrible spelling errors can and should be avoided. It's literally inexcusable to spell things wrong in this day and age--kind of like birth control--unless you're stupid like me and just forget... spell check not birth control.
Ew this got really weird really fast.
This isn't some kind of grammar god post (which now that I think about it, I should probably start using spell check). Just so we're clear. In any case, I love when people spell the word "definitely" wrong. They almost ALWAYS spell it as "defiantly". It's amazing. When I read something that has spelled definitely as defiantly, I feel compelled to read the sentence out loud with its new meaning.
"Are you going to the party?"
"Oh I am defiantly going!"
Wow. That bitch is super renegade. What a rebel. I imagine she burned the other person in the face with a cigarette after she said that.
It's amazing because if you google search the word defiantly, the first thing that comes up is "Do you mean 'definitely'?" When I don't mean definitely, I think, "Jesus fuck Google! Stay out of my business. This is what you get with big government." Then I go to a Tea Party Rally.
Here's another website that pops up when you search defiantly. Seems like someone has even more anger then I do. Why go to all that trouble creating and maintaining a website for a misspelled word that makes situations completely hilarious!?
"He replied that he defiantly liked the ideas behind community and the feeling of belonging that comes with it."
That guy is the next Che Guevara. Speaking of which, College Freshman, keep that poster out of your dorm room. You haven't even lived yet.... your skin is too soft. Go out in the world and get some calluses damnit!
Moving on.
Anyway, really terrible spelling errors can and should be avoided. It's literally inexcusable to spell things wrong in this day and age--kind of like birth control--unless you're stupid like me and just forget... spell check not birth control.
Ew this got really weird really fast.
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