Girls Who Hate Girls

I hate girls hating other girls.

This blog entry has been in the works for a long time. For those of you who have followed my ramblings for a long time—long time being like 7 months—you will know that this blog entry is the promised one that started the whole blog. Some of you might be disappointed because this won’t be the post you are looking for (Giving myself +5 points for an oddly placed and unexpected Star Wars reference. Taking away -5 points for having the audacity to give myself points). Regardless, let’s dive right in.

For those of you who don't know, I started this blog because people enjoyed my borderline-lunatic rants about girls like Felicia Day, Kari Byron, Olivia Munn and other geek-media-icons. It was mainly hyperbolic and 99% for the sake of being humorous and contrary. However, I've decided that as innocent my intentions were, making fun of other girls is uncool. Except for my continued detestation of Raspberry Tart from the original Strawberry Shortcake series. She knows what she did.

Before you go and wonder, no I haven't gotten in trouble with someone important, and no, I haven't been confronted about the subject by people of varying degrees of importance. I am miraculously coming to my own conclusion and outting myself on this one. It's a very Claymation-Christmas-Special type of epiphany. Feel free to cancel the speaking engagement you booked me for your child's Bat Mitzvah or high school graduation.

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I’ve been an employee at BioWare/EA for about a month now and it’s really made me realize the impact that words have on a person. For those of you who think Community Managers are supposed to be immune to superficial attacks on personal character or professional integrity, I suggest you see how well a sociopath would do this job. Actually, thinking on it, maybe he/she would be the perfect fit for my job description but then you’d have a sociopath running your community, not someone who passionately cared about it. Sad days would ensue, I assure you. I give warm fuzzies whereas the sociopath never will. Never.

And on another slightly related note, I’ve realized that meanness stemming from anonymity doesn’t just reside on the internet as it’s often accused. I’ve started to think about how easy it is carelessly slip into road rage or be rude to someone in customer service (particularly when said person is almost never the cause of one’s frustration). When will I ever see that person again? Likely never, but how is that justification? Words and gestures can hurt. Think before you act. Period. This PSA brought to you by children’s programming around the world.

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 I started to think about why (using a generalization here) girls can be so vicious to other girls. There’s definitely a bigger sense of competition amongst us than there is camaraderie. Tina Fey portrays this really well in her film “Mean Girls” as well as an episode of 30 Rock “TGS Hates Women”. Fueling negative relationships and reinforcement between women is a problem that many will encounter at some point and have to choose whether or not to engage in that behavior. Writer (and Star Wars craft maven) Bonnie Burton aka @bonniegrrl has written a must-read book called Girls Against Girls: Why We Are Mean to Each Other and How We Can Change. She outlines the problem and offers real solutions about how we can end this cycle of hatred. Go read it and help change the world one lady at a time!

Now, I’m not saying outright abhorrence doesn’t have its place. Hating pandas and koi fish will still be completely appropriate in the right context. Genuine dislike of a specific person for valid reasons is also your own business and not something I need to know about.

However, I realized that I’ve expressed negative feelings towards many prominent women in the media for no good reason. Making jokes at someone's expense probably derives from jealousy that she is doing something I am not. It's petty and silly. There’s an underlying, misguided notion that every woman is somehow in competition, coveting a finite number of possible achievements and accolades. If one woman has earned recognition, we think it means the rest of us can’t. Stupid logic, I know. I blame the Xbox achievement system mainly.

Bottom line. I’m sorry to the successful geeky ladies that I have verbally bullied (albeit from afar, out of earshot, and saying things I thought were funny and harmless) in my time on this Earth. Even if it was hilarious at the time. I will try and support your efforts unless you turn out to be a bigot or something undeniably heinous.  

And finally, in my brief time working professionally in the video game industry (which may prove to be short-lived should anyone important decide to read the archives of this blog), I want to say that I’ve met Felicia Day and working with her is a pleasure. She’s done a lot of groundbreaking things for women that I should be thanking her for. I'll miss our fake rivalry... though it's not as fun when the rival has no idea the other person exists. I doubt Ms. Day will ever stumble upon these words I’m stringing together, but she does, I hope she reads this: You are genuinely swell! Also, I’m pretty sure you have magical hair.

I never said I was a wordsmith.

For now, I will focus on a new fake-nemesis. I'm looking at you Bai Yun! Tune in next time for my unwarranted attack against postcards, when I’ll tell you exactly why they are a waste of time!

P.S. Now that I've explained exactly why I am a poor role model for females everywhere, ignore that and come find me at Geek Girl Con in Seattle on Oct. 8^th-9^th for warm fuzzies and adoration! I get +10 if I know you by your internet username!

P.P.S. Enjoy this sentimental post because you’ll NEVER see it again. Unless I find fault with myself again. It’s unlikely, but you never know.

Koi Fish

I hate koi fish.

To me, this statement should be completely self-evident and require no explanation. However, I’ve learned that my readers sometimes aren’t motivated by the same rage at the audacity of certain animals in their sheer will to exist. Therefore, let us explore the many reasons why koi fish were put on this Earth to annoy and frighten me.

There are very few animals that you can encounter in a park or someone’s backyard that are plausibly Martians sent here to watch us. Look at those big eyes. Obviously, I mean for you to Google “koi fish” for one moment so you can visualize what I’m talking about. I’ll wait.

No, seriously, go look.

OK regardless, ALIENS. That’s what they are, I’m sure.

You’re sitting on the edge of a man-made pond, maybe pondering whether it’s finally time to pop the question to that gal you’re sweet on (wow, I’m channeling the 1940s here apparently) or taking a moment to wonder at the glory of the universe. You glance over at the water, smiling warmly at the crane fishing for its next meal and a tadpole navigating new water. The circle of life at its best.

HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT TRANSPARENT THING!? IT’S LIKE THE SIZE OF MY LEG! WHAT THE HELL!?

That, my friend, is everyone’s first reaction when they see a white koi fish they are not expecting.  “Psh no,” you scoff, “I like koi fish. They’re so playful and exotic!” Clearly, you have become desensitized. Everyone is instinctively freaked out by them. They’re huge. Who do they think they are? 

Whenever I see a koi fish, after I recover from my initial shock and dismay by their presence, I feel compelled to try and catch it. I don’t have this reaction to other fish. In fact, I successfully kept many varieties of fish, sometimes for months at a time! I’m so good at keeping fish that I can’t even count how many I’ve had. My aquarium is THAT popular.

Keeping that fact in mind, none of my pet fish ever died because I reached into the tank to grab them (to be fair, one literally jumped out of its bowl and committed suicide, but that’s a tragic story I don’t wish to delve into at the moment). It’s a struggle I deal with constantly with koi fish though. I really just want to wrap my hands around their little neck bodies and shake them. “WHY DO YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE YOU STUPID FISH!?” I’d cry. Then I would promptly throw it against the wall. I have a strange understanding of fish anatomy and really feel like they’d just stick to the surface like Nickelodeon Gak.

Looking back at all of this, I’m actually kind of confused myself as to why I hate koi fish so much. They’re like the popular girl in school who knows she’s really pretty. Just something about them that I can’t quite describe.

But they’re stupid and next time you see one, resist the urge to grab it forcefully out of the water and slam it against the wall. I don’t think they’ll actually stick. Also despite my belief that they are not of this world, law enforcement will probably count that as animal cruelty.

The last thing I would want is for you to be locked up in the Big House.

Follow your heart.