Thursday, June 16, 2011

Delivery!

And now for something completely different...


This is why I will not be ordering take-out again: A friend wanted Indian. Since my meals revolve around how much food I am going to attempt to stuff my face with and then feel guilty about later, I try to eat things that don't tempt me.I'm not going to binge on curry and naan so that was fine with me. Tiny nibbles of bread. Spoonful of curry. That would be it for me. Sounded like a plan.


We had to order a $20.00 minimum to get it delivered AND there was a delivery fee. FUCK THAT. So we decided that if there was a minimum + a delivery fee we shouldn't have to tip as well. We are poor. So my friend goes to get the food. The weird delivery guy starts yelling "No Tip?" as he goes to close the door. Friend doesn't even have any cash because he paid with his card. He's like "Sorry" and tries to close the door. Delivery guy FORCES the door open and is like "NO TIP NO TIP!" Fucking douche. Friend runs away with food.


I, of course, being hopped up with anger/indignation from having too much caffeine, call the Indian restaurant and pretend that I was the person who answered the door and that this guy intimidated and scared me and that I would have tipped him if he wasn't scary about it and if I hadn't been confused about the delivery fee. I am SUCH A LIAR. She's like "OK, I'll talk to him." And I'm like "Tell him I would have tipped him but I was confused!!!" Click.


My friend proceeds to tell me I'm an idiot because this guy knows where we live AND has my cell number. We both wonder if this was grounds for him getting fired (anyone see that ridiculous Seinfeld episode with George and the Busboy?). Delivery guys are easy to replace. Not even 30 minutes later I GET A CALL ON MY CELL FROM THE DELIVERY GUY!!!! AAAH. I answer, hear muffled noises, and then he hangs up. Crazy.


Clearly this is a sign from a higher power that I should not be eating outside food or venturing outdoors as this crazy guy could be waiting for me at any moment.


You shouldn't get take out either. He might be reading my blog and target us all.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Southpaw and other stupid words.

I hate living in a right handed world.
OK people, I’m tired of hearing about how your subgroup is undervalued and discriminated against. Left handed people are still, clearly, God’s biggest little joke. This argument is so valid that I don’t even have to argue it. Let’s allow the examples to speak for themselves:
Pick up a coffee mug. Now hold it in your left hand. Where’s the logo facing? Away-from-fucking-you, that’s right. Why do I want to buy a delightful mug for other people to enjoy while I stare at white space? Oh, yeah, I don’t. Put the fucking logo on both sides and stop being so damn cheap.
Go into your garage. Find that craft project you’ve been meaning to finish. I think it would look good if you dremeled some details into it. Just to show you’ve really put in the extra effort. Plug in your dremel and start left-handed-dremeling like a maniac. Wait, that’s a stupid idea. Do you realize what they’re making you do? That thing is buzzing right toward your fleshy midsection because right-handed-dremeling points away at you, but left-handers have to nearly maim themselves every time they pick up a powertool. Go do that and tell me that seemed like a good idea.
Cut up some vegetables for a delicious stir fry. Do you like how the edges are all ragged and terrible? Barely edible? That’s because the beveled edge is supposed to be on the inside but your barely functional left handedness swapped the whole thing and ruined it. Seriously, try cutting something with a knife that is only beveled on one side. It’s right handed and now your food is ruined.
Go back to Kindergarten and laugh at those poor fools who had to use the left-handed scissors that are covered in paste and rust and don’t even have the nice plastic handles. Continue to use your blue Fiskers scissors and feel superior. Eat paste to celebrate.
Apologize to Aunt Ruth for continuing to accidentally nudge her at the table and mutter that if they’d only let you sit on the outside you wouldn’t be having an elbow sword fight while trying to eat peas.
Fail your physics midterm because you made the mistake of thinking that sitting in the left handed desk would keep your arm from getting fatigued. Instead you discover you’re using the desk that wants to fold in on itself when you lean on it. Give up and read the graffiti of other frustrated left handers.
To close, I just want to point out that the word “south paw” is the stupidest damn phrase I’ve ever heard. Almost as dumb is “Did you get your ears lowered?” Almost.