Southpaw and other stupid words.

I hate living in a right handed world.

OK people, I’m tired of hearing about how your subgroup is undervalued and discriminated against. Left handed people are still, clearly, God’s biggest little joke. This argument is so valid that I don’t even have to argue it. Let’s allow the examples to speak for themselves:

Pick up a coffee mug. Now hold it in your left hand. Where’s the logo facing? Away-from-fucking-you, that’s right. Why do I want to buy a delightful mug for other people to enjoy while I stare at white space? Oh, yeah, I don’t. Put the fucking logo on both sides and stop being so damn cheap.

Go into your garage. Find that craft project you’ve been meaning to finish. I think it would look good if you dremeled some details into it. Just to show you’ve really put in the extra effort. Plug in your dremel and start left-handed-dremeling like a maniac. Wait, that’s a stupid idea. Do you realize what they’re making you do? That thing is buzzing right toward your fleshy midsection because right-handed-dremeling points away at you, but left-handers have to nearly maim themselves every time they pick up a powertool. Go do that and tell me that seemed like a good idea.

Cut up some vegetables for a delicious stir fry. Do you like how the edges are all ragged and terrible? Barely edible? That’s because the beveled edge is supposed to be on the inside but your barely functional left handedness swapped the whole thing and ruined it. Seriously, try cutting something with a knife that is only beveled on one side. It’s right handed and now your food is ruined.

Go back to Kindergarten and laugh at those poor fools who had to use the left-handed scissors that are covered in paste and rust and don’t even have the nice plastic handles. Continue to use your blue Fiskers scissors and feel superior. Eat paste to celebrate.

Apologize to Aunt Ruth for continuing to accidentally nudge her at the table and mutter that if they’d only let you sit on the outside you wouldn’t be having an elbow sword fight while trying to eat peas.

Fail your physics midterm because you made the mistake of thinking that sitting in the left handed desk would keep your arm from getting fatigued. Instead you discover you’re using the desk that wants to fold in on itself when you lean on it. Give up and read the graffiti of other frustrated left handers.

To close, I just want to point out that the word “south paw” is the stupidest damn phrase I’ve ever heard. Almost as dumb is “Did you get your ears lowered?” Almost.