Hi. I’m Jessica.
I have strong opinions about things. Hopefully you will forgive me for it.
Moving right along, I suppose I should do some sort of introduction to this blog and who I am, but I hate how awkward those always end up being so I’m not going to. You’ll have to deal with that too. I’m sorry.
I dislike pandas. This may seem to be a strange thing for me to start off with, but it’s really not my fault. I wouldn’t have to hate them so much if people weren’t so crazy about them. It’s a fixation.
Every time I watch the news, I swear some panda in some zoo had some baby that they have to take away from it and nurture because pandas are so damn lazy that she will forget she had it and roll over on it in her sleep, suffocating it. Pandas are supposed to be super endangered and rare, right?
You know why they’re rare? Because they’re stupid and lazy. Seriously, they can’t even have sex by themselves anymore. They need panda pornography (find link to put here!!!!) and a zookeeper to facilitate the process. Shouldn’t we just let natural selection take its course?
Pandas, until you can do the nasty by yourself, I don’t think I should care about you that much. You aren’t even that cute. People tell me they like pandas because they look like little stuffed animal pandas. I’m sorry, but little stuffed animal pandas look like pandas. Not the other way around. That can’t be retroactively cute. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Anyway, pandas bother me a lot. I feel like part of me must be broken because I can’t see their allure. It’s like when I was thirteen years old watching “Titanic” in the movie theater. Everyone around me was sobbing because spoiler alert Leonardo DiCaprio drowned after he couldn’t find his own damn piece of driftwood. Pathetic. I had to pretend to cry and think of really sad things because obviously I must be a sociopath, my pre-teen brain is thinking.
Now I know better. And I know that pandas are really dumb.
I hate pandas.
I clapped when Leonardo drowned... my friends were not impressed, even though it was the best part of the movie.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Hilarious. i now have an entirely new perspective on the panda population. Clearly animals who are too lazy to get some nookie should not reside in my affinity zone. Hmm.. that just sounded dirty. Is that bad? ;)
ReplyDeleteLove the DiCaprio comment...well, you know how I feel about that and his movies, erm, moving on.
I love me some "Stuff Jessica Hates" and the only thing it needs is MORE COWBELLL!
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ReplyDeleteYou had me at "panda pornagraphy".
ReplyDeleteWere you serious about the panda porn link requirement? I think I might be able to find one..why do I feel like I need a trenchcoat when I say that?
ReplyDeleteI always found the scene in Titanic would be much funnier if they played it how I would have reacted, by swimming back to the surface and slapping Kate Winslett in the mouth for letting go of the only man she ever loved.
Seriously, once in a lifetime love and you can't be assed holding on for fear of moistening your cuticles? Princess Bride this is not.
Panda, Schmanda! If they don't care about the survival of their species, then why should we?
ReplyDeletehere's a porn link-
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJe7Xqb3An0
the above posted link was not posted by 3229f8ae-530e-11e0-98e2-000bcdcb471e, but by spewoo7
ReplyDeletecheck out the suggestions too; apparently youtube likes panda porn
ReplyDeleteomg though it gets sick. crap i regret posting that now
ReplyDeleteplease remove / delete all of my posts. It's all inappropriate, disgusting, and was disgraceful of me to post.
ReplyDeleteWell I love panda's :)
ReplyDeleteThis is the funniest thing I have read in ages
ReplyDelete