Delivery!

And now for something completely different...


This is why I will not be ordering take-out again: A friend wanted Indian. Since my meals revolve around how much food I am going to attempt to stuff my face with and then feel guilty about later, I try to eat things that don't tempt me.I'm not going to binge on curry and naan so that was fine with me. Tiny nibbles of bread. Spoonful of curry. That would be it for me. Sounded like a plan.


We had to order a $20.00 minimum to get it delivered AND there was a delivery fee. FUCK THAT. So we decided that if there was a minimum + a delivery fee we shouldn't have to tip as well. We are poor. So my friend goes to get the food. The weird delivery guy starts yelling "No Tip?" as he goes to close the door. Friend doesn't even have any cash because he paid with his card. He's like "Sorry" and tries to close the door. Delivery guy FORCES the door open and is like "NO TIP NO TIP!" Fucking douche. Friend runs away with food.


I, of course, being hopped up with anger/indignation from having too much caffeine, call the Indian restaurant and pretend that I was the person who answered the door and that this guy intimidated and scared me and that I would have tipped him if he wasn't scary about it and if I hadn't been confused about the delivery fee. I am SUCH A LIAR. She's like "OK, I'll talk to him." And I'm like "Tell him I would have tipped him but I was confused!!!" Click.


My friend proceeds to tell me I'm an idiot because this guy knows where we live AND has my cell number. We both wonder if this was grounds for him getting fired (anyone see that ridiculous Seinfeld episode with George and the Busboy?). Delivery guys are easy to replace. Not even 30 minutes later I GET A CALL ON MY CELL FROM THE DELIVERY GUY!!!! AAAH. I answer, hear muffled noises, and then he hangs up. Crazy.


Clearly this is a sign from a higher power that I should not be eating outside food or venturing outdoors as this crazy guy could be waiting for me at any moment.


You shouldn't get take out either. He might be reading my blog and target us all.

Southpaw and other stupid words.

I hate living in a right handed world.

OK people, I’m tired of hearing about how your subgroup is undervalued and discriminated against. Left handed people are still, clearly, God’s biggest little joke. This argument is so valid that I don’t even have to argue it. Let’s allow the examples to speak for themselves:

Pick up a coffee mug. Now hold it in your left hand. Where’s the logo facing? Away-from-fucking-you, that’s right. Why do I want to buy a delightful mug for other people to enjoy while I stare at white space? Oh, yeah, I don’t. Put the fucking logo on both sides and stop being so damn cheap.

Go into your garage. Find that craft project you’ve been meaning to finish. I think it would look good if you dremeled some details into it. Just to show you’ve really put in the extra effort. Plug in your dremel and start left-handed-dremeling like a maniac. Wait, that’s a stupid idea. Do you realize what they’re making you do? That thing is buzzing right toward your fleshy midsection because right-handed-dremeling points away at you, but left-handers have to nearly maim themselves every time they pick up a powertool. Go do that and tell me that seemed like a good idea.

Cut up some vegetables for a delicious stir fry. Do you like how the edges are all ragged and terrible? Barely edible? That’s because the beveled edge is supposed to be on the inside but your barely functional left handedness swapped the whole thing and ruined it. Seriously, try cutting something with a knife that is only beveled on one side. It’s right handed and now your food is ruined.

Go back to Kindergarten and laugh at those poor fools who had to use the left-handed scissors that are covered in paste and rust and don’t even have the nice plastic handles. Continue to use your blue Fiskers scissors and feel superior. Eat paste to celebrate.

Apologize to Aunt Ruth for continuing to accidentally nudge her at the table and mutter that if they’d only let you sit on the outside you wouldn’t be having an elbow sword fight while trying to eat peas.

Fail your physics midterm because you made the mistake of thinking that sitting in the left handed desk would keep your arm from getting fatigued. Instead you discover you’re using the desk that wants to fold in on itself when you lean on it. Give up and read the graffiti of other frustrated left handers.

To close, I just want to point out that the word “south paw” is the stupidest damn phrase I’ve ever heard. Almost as dumb is “Did you get your ears lowered?” Almost.

Do you have a lighter?

Now that I live in Los Angeles, I encounter celebrities. Not regularly mind you, but it happens sometimes. Like erectile dysfunction.

Usually when I encounter a celebrity, I don't even realize until I see the paparazzi (p.s. they all look exactly the same to me… is that discrimination to say it out loud?). I then let out an audible sigh.

Almost always, I have the same thought when I see a celebrity and I don’t know from where in the dark recesses of my mind this comes.

"I want to light her hair on fire."

I’m sorry but before that ended terribly and tragically, it’d be pretty funny, right? She’d be whipping her hair all over the place, synthetic extensions curling up and melting. Some girl in the entourage would catch her wet look leggings on fire from the stray ashes. There would be a moment where no one knows whether or not to laugh or cry. A bodyguard would eventually remember to stop staring and extinguish the fire, but until then, it would be like watching a phoenix be reborn--if a phoenix was able to wear Christian Laboutin heels while dealing with its fire hair disaster.

If prominent women in the entertainment industry were able to overcome that, I think I might respect them more.

Until then, I am going to remain at a respectful distance. Not for their benefit and privacy, but merely to keep me out of prison.

p.s. This was entirely fictional (although my strange thought to set a celebrity’s hair on fire was not) and I would never do that. Not to you anyway. I’m entirely aware that this rant derived from jealous insecurities, but you know what? When I’m a celebrity, I welcome you to try and set my hair on fire. I will have learned by then to wear hats. And carry pepper spray.

I'd like to make a deposit.

I hate the Bank.

Honestly, I would rather keep all my money stuffed inside my mattress if it meant I never ever had to encounter another bank. Just so you know, I don’t do that, and please don’t come to my apartment to make sure. This isn’t a thinly veiled treasure hunt. Also, if it helps, I have no money. Hope that clears things up.

There is something seriously wrong with people who decide they want to become designers for banks. It’s worse than hospital design. At least at hospitals, you know everything is supposed to be plastic to wipe off strange liquids. The walls have to be periwinkle so you can pretend that it isn’t a cesspool of death and decay. Cheerful, I know.

But the bank. The bank. What is wrong with the bank? Why is that random huge vase in the middle of the walkway? Who is that lady in the painting!? Is there really a need for all this wood paneling? And who decided that all banks should get together and systematically use maroon and royal blue for every single damn piece of upholstery furniture in the place. Nice plants by the way. I know they're fake, who are you trying to fool?

That’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that every single employee loathes you. They don’t want you in there. You hand over your hard earned paycheck and they look at you like you are trash: "How dare you bring this insignificant amount in here? If you aren’t depositing money in the hundreds of thousands, well, we really can’t be bothered to smile at you."

It’s like people who work the lobby at a really nice hotel. I KNOW I make more money than you do, so why the hell do you think it’s OK to sneer at me for wearing a t-shirt in your stupid lobby? I am really making the place look shabby. Such a disgrace.

But anyway, the bank is terrible because you have to go there. It’s unavoidable. They talk to you about the convenience of online banking, but you will inevitably have to enter the dreaded local branch to activate a new card or make a large (but not to them) deposit.

Screw you, the Bank. I don’t need you.

Oh, free checks? You won me over.

Lesson Learned.

Sometimes I think people need to be taught a lesson.

Here’s an example. I’m in college, sitting in the library, hoping that by being in that space, I’ll somehow absorb knowledge via osmosis. This never happened by the way. I hate the library, but that’s another story.

So I’m in the library at a study cubicle making little paper people to have little paper people wars. The person next to me stands up to walk a book back to the other room. He has left his laptop unattended!

My eyes dart to the multiple printed signs (with bad Microsoft Word 1997 clip art to help get the point across) that warn people not to leave their computers alone for theft reasons.

Instead of thinking to myself, “Wow, I better not go anywhere and make sure this guy’s laptop doesn’t get stolen by a less honest and kind person like myself”, my mind immediately goes to the following:

“Wow, what a stupid idiot. Who just leaves their laptop and goes into the other room and expects that nothing’s going to happen? This guy obviously needs to be taught a lesson about needlessly trusting the world and random people like me.”

Then, I create this elaborate heist plot where I take this guy’s laptop and hide it somewhere in the library. I don’t actually want to steal it… that would be wrong. But this guy needs to learn that if he walks away from his computer, he has no right to assume it will be there when he returns.

A similar incident happened the other day. I was out with friends and we were driving home after a night out. We stopped at a grocery store to use the necessary facilities. A small clerk gestured to the back of the room, toward the bathrooms. Before I entered, however, I saw a giant stack of bread loaves, just sitting there. A thought occurred to me, “No one is watching these!” I thought I should teach the store a lesson about leaving loaves of bread in conspicuous places where people like me might decide to take them, or even worse, eat them in the bathroom.

So consequently, I’m constantly bombarded with thoughts to take some dumb guy’s fixed gear bike (stupid Hipsters… don’t worry, you’ll soon be treated with my opinion on that topic) while I’m at a coffee shop. Once I thought about pouring something into a guy’s drink when he wasn’t looking so he would learn that girls aren’t always virtuous. Unfortunately, I would have had to substitute the date rape drug with a sugar packet because I don’t keep the former handy.

The point is you shouldn’t trust me. At all. In my defense, I’ve never actually acted on any of these impulsive desires. Just to be save though, don’t assume I’ll watch your purse.

Spell Check.

I LOVE when people misspell the word "Definitely".

This isn't some kind of grammar god post (which now that I think about it, I should probably start using spell check).  Just so we're clear. In any case, I love when people spell the word "definitely" wrong. They almost ALWAYS spell it as "defiantly". It's amazing. When I read something that has spelled definitely as defiantly, I feel compelled to read the sentence out loud with its new meaning.

"Are you going to the party?"

"Oh I am defiantly going!"

Wow. That bitch is super renegade. What a rebel. I imagine she burned the other person in the face with a cigarette after she said that.

It's amazing because if you google search the word defiantly, the first thing that comes up is "Do you mean 'definitely'?" When I don't mean definitely, I think, "Jesus fuck Google! Stay out of my business. This is what you get with big government." Then I go to a Tea Party Rally.

Here's another website that pops up when you search defiantly. Seems like someone has even more anger then I do. Why go to all that trouble creating and maintaining a website for a misspelled word that makes situations completely hilarious!?

"He replied that he defiantly liked the ideas behind community and the feeling of belonging that comes with it."

That guy is the next Che Guevara. Speaking of which, College Freshman, keep that poster out of your dorm room. You haven't even lived yet.... your skin is too soft. Go out in the world and get some calluses damnit!

Moving on.

Anyway, really terrible spelling errors can and should be avoided. It's literally inexcusable to spell things wrong in this day and age--kind of like birth control--unless you're stupid like me and just forget... spell check not birth control.

Ew this got really weird really fast.

That's not office appropriate.

I hate jeggings.

This is not a huge epiphany. I know a lot of people dislike them. But I doubt many people hate them as much as I do.

First of all, I associate them with a certain type of person. The type of person whose appearance seems to say, “Fuck you. I don’t care that I’m not wearing proper clothing to cover my lower half. I’m going to wear these motherfucking tights that are two times too small (like the Grinch’s heart). Just to piss you off further, I am going to wear them with Uggs and a small sweater.”

It doesn’t seem to be a coincidence that the same girls wearing jeggings are also the ones wearing Uggs. I can’t even get behind Uggs in an ironic sense. They’re just stupid. I want to throw people off buildings when I see them. I like to think I become the Hulk. Maybe that’s why he’s so aggressive. You can’t blame him.

Anyway, I don’t understand jeggings. I saw a commercial for “pajama jeans” the other day. Is there a difference between jeggings and pajama jeans? Also, why do the jeggings have rivets? What are they reinforcing? Another layer of spandex?

Cover your ass! I don’t need to see your wobbly bits. On the other hand, I have to admire your confidence in wearing something that is clearly so unflattering. Perhaps it is an indication of your mental ability. Should we trust you with metal utensils?

Maybe even worse than the girls who wear tight jeggings are the ones who wear baggy ones. The whole point is they’re supposed to be tight. This isn’t sweat pants for the twenty-first century. Loser. When I see women who are wearing jeggings (or even plain leggings really), I wonder if perhaps they need them to be that large to compensate for the adult diapers they must be wearing. It’s the only excuse to let your ass sag that much.

In an alternate universe somewhere, using my limited understanding of physics, men are the ones making these terrible fashion choices. Yet, for some reason, it works for them.

Oh I’m sorry. I was confused. It’s not actually an alternate universe. It’s called Europe.