The Perfect Squares: Episode 1

Because the hate can't be contained on this blog, I've started podcasting.

I've known one of my best friends, Lizzy, since we were like 7 years old. We hated each other, then adored each other, and now I think she's just kind of indifferent. But we teamed up to start something that we're calling "The Perfect Squares".

Go listen. Now. Then come back and tell me what you hate about it!

CLICK ME!

Koi Fish

I hate koi fish.

To me, this statement should be completely self-evident and require no explanation. However, I’ve learned that my readers sometimes aren’t motivated by the same rage at the audacity of certain animals in their sheer will to exist. Therefore, let us explore the many reasons why koi fish were put on this Earth to annoy and frighten me.

There are very few animals that you can encounter in a park or someone’s backyard that are plausibly Martians sent here to watch us. Look at those big eyes. Obviously, I mean for you to Google “koi fish” for one moment so you can visualize what I’m talking about. I’ll wait.

No, seriously, go look.

OK regardless, ALIENS. That’s what they are, I’m sure.

You’re sitting on the edge of a man-made pond, maybe pondering whether it’s finally time to pop the question to that gal you’re sweet on (wow, I’m channeling the 1940s here apparently) or taking a moment to wonder at the glory of the universe. You glance over at the water, smiling warmly at the crane fishing for its next meal and a tadpole navigating new water. The circle of life at its best.

HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT TRANSPARENT THING!? IT’S LIKE THE SIZE OF MY LEG! WHAT THE HELL!?

That, my friend, is everyone’s first reaction when they see a white koi fish they are not expecting.  “Psh no,” you scoff, “I like koi fish. They’re so playful and exotic!” Clearly, you have become desensitized. Everyone is instinctively freaked out by them. They’re huge. Who do they think they are? 

Whenever I see a koi fish, after I recover from my initial shock and dismay by their presence, I feel compelled to try and catch it. I don’t have this reaction to other fish. In fact, I successfully kept many varieties of fish, sometimes for months at a time! I’m so good at keeping fish that I can’t even count how many I’ve had. My aquarium is THAT popular.

Keeping that fact in mind, none of my pet fish ever died because I reached into the tank to grab them (to be fair, one literally jumped out of its bowl and committed suicide, but that’s a tragic story I don’t wish to delve into at the moment). It’s a struggle I deal with constantly with koi fish though. I really just want to wrap my hands around their little neck bodies and shake them. “WHY DO YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE YOU STUPID FISH!?” I’d cry. Then I would promptly throw it against the wall. I have a strange understanding of fish anatomy and really feel like they’d just stick to the surface like Nickelodeon Gak.

Looking back at all of this, I’m actually kind of confused myself as to why I hate koi fish so much. They’re like the popular girl in school who knows she’s really pretty. Just something about them that I can’t quite describe.

But they’re stupid and next time you see one, resist the urge to grab it forcefully out of the water and slam it against the wall. I don’t think they’ll actually stick. Also despite my belief that they are not of this world, law enforcement will probably count that as animal cruelty.

The last thing I would want is for you to be locked up in the Big House.

Follow your heart.

That's not office appropriate.

I hate jeggings.

This is not a huge epiphany. I know a lot of people dislike them. But I doubt many people hate them as much as I do.

First of all, I associate them with a certain type of person. The type of person whose appearance seems to say, “Fuck you. I don’t care that I’m not wearing proper clothing to cover my lower half. I’m going to wear these motherfucking tights that are two times too small (like the Grinch’s heart). Just to piss you off further, I am going to wear them with Uggs and a small sweater.”

It doesn’t seem to be a coincidence that the same girls wearing jeggings are also the ones wearing Uggs. I can’t even get behind Uggs in an ironic sense. They’re just stupid. I want to throw people off buildings when I see them. I like to think I become the Hulk. Maybe that’s why he’s so aggressive. You can’t blame him.

Anyway, I don’t understand jeggings. I saw a commercial for “pajama jeans” the other day. Is there a difference between jeggings and pajama jeans? Also, why do the jeggings have rivets? What are they reinforcing? Another layer of spandex?

Cover your ass! I don’t need to see your wobbly bits. On the other hand, I have to admire your confidence in wearing something that is clearly so unflattering. Perhaps it is an indication of your mental ability. Should we trust you with metal utensils?

Maybe even worse than the girls who wear tight jeggings are the ones who wear baggy ones. The whole point is they’re supposed to be tight. This isn’t sweat pants for the twenty-first century. Loser. When I see women who are wearing jeggings (or even plain leggings really), I wonder if perhaps they need them to be that large to compensate for the adult diapers they must be wearing. It’s the only excuse to let your ass sag that much.

In an alternate universe somewhere, using my limited understanding of physics, men are the ones making these terrible fashion choices. Yet, for some reason, it works for them.

Oh I’m sorry. I was confused. It’s not actually an alternate universe. It’s called Europe.